When I open my email everyday I get depressed. Jesus, I have tons of problems:
– I am bold and I need hair supplements for hair regrowth.
– I am broke and I need loans to survive.
– I am depressed and I need anti-depressants that I can now get at affordable prices.
– I cannot sleep and I am offered sleeping pills, always at affordable prices.
– I have a small penis, that only the always affordable pills can help me get back in the action.
– I am very fat and my only hope are some other affordable pills.
– I need medical insurance, that till now I could not afford.
– There is a lawsuit against me that I need to address urgently.
– My credit score is ruined and nobody would give me a credit card, unless…
– I am illiterate, but now I can get a PhD within only 3 months…
– I also suffer from various diseases depending on the email with the most popular being skin problems, diabetes, cancer, syphilis and other STDs, etc.
– I am very lonely that men, women and everything in between are willing to start chatting with me and eventually meet. I guess these wonderful human beings do not mind any of my misfortunes (no hair, very fat, diseased, broke, illiterate, depressed, you name it).
Overall my life sucks big time according to the emails I get. Occasionally I get some good news that can help me overcome the above misfortunes:
– I win in the lottery around 17 million dollars and all I have to do is send them my bank account, so they can deposit the amount.
– Or even better, I discover that I have an uncle somewhere in Africa who remembered me in his will and now I can have access to 320 million dollars. It is a matter of sending them my address and some other trivial data such as passport details. My blog must be really popular, because even strangers have left my name as the main contact for getting to a few hundreds of millions as a credible attorney informs from another African country. I wonder which one of my posts it was…
– I also win various products, but I do not respond to those since they seem really ridiculous versus the fortune awaiting for me with the email just below. Hairdryers, a dozen of socks, a free reading with a psychic, 6 bottles of Swedish wine, a white lace bra, items like that cannot just motivate me to respond, as a millionaire by now. That arrogant I have become.
But then again there are a few emails that really get my attention and I am sharing with you for… For no reason. Maybe for a laugh.
Title: Do you want your Ex Back?Sent by Ex BackLet Justin Sinclair, personal relationship expert, show you exactly what messages you need to send your Ex, and how to send them. You’ll be blown away when your Ex starts talking to you again and eventually asks to see you.First of all I do not want my Ex back. There is a reason why he is an Ex. And yes his cheating has something to do with it. Second if Justin’s messages will make him to ask to eventually see me, then shouldn’t Justin show up at the date instead? It is Justin’s magic that made my Ex to come back, not my indifference, not my swearing, not my Voodoo dolls for his birthday. Maybe Justin and my Ex will hit it off and both be blown away. But I warn you Justin. Me Ex is not a good guy…
PS: this one I get at least 5 times a day which makes me think that either my Ex is sending it or somebody who really hates me to want me dating him again.
Title: All about the Acid in your Stomach
Sent by Prostate CancerPermanently eliminate the the Herpes Virus from the Human body.Boy I have problems! There is acid in my stomach. I get advice to eliminate the herpes virus from my very human body. I receive emails from somebody’s prostate cancer. I hope tomorrow is a better day…
Title: Why eye glasses make your eyesight WORSESent by better visionWearing eye glasses only makes your vision worse. Stop changing bifocals and get perfect (20 – 20) vision.All these years we were deceived by doctors and only now thanx to this email I can get my vision back and even become a pilot. Any insights on the sunglasses? Any amazing solution there?
Title: Married Dating can be easy with Ashley Madison. Invite #7450508Sent by AnonymousDating while married has never been easier when you use our dating site, you get 100% secure dating for married individuals. We match you based on compatible choices from our 30,000,000 members looking for a discreet, fun affair.Isn’t that beautiful? Now there is Ashley Madison who generously will help us cheat on our spouses. I do not know what this says about me, but I got a personal invite with a dedicated number. A special service, which will secure that my worst nightmare comes true: my date will be married for sure (no need for me to doubt or to wait for the revelation at the second date). There are actually 30 million of such honorable individuals who are of course looking for a discreet, fun affair. Then again I thought that Ashley is a nice person because she keeps the married people dating each other and not mess with the single ones. That is good. Thank you, Ashley.
Title: Re: You have (1) new letter from Santa…Sent by Santa Claus (HIMSELF)Merry Christmas eva, The magic of the holiday season lives in the imagination of children. Bring that magic to life with a letter from Santa this Christmas. Order now and your son or daughter will receive a map to the north pole, a personal letter from me (Santa Claus), and a “Good boys or girls certificate” for being on the official “nice list.”First of all it is such an honor that Santa Claus replied to me (see the Re:). To humble Eva. However this was not my request. In any case bummer that I do not have children, because I am missing such a great convenience. I am sure that NO parent can create a letter coming from Santa Claus, the credible Good Boys/Girls certificate and get a map to North Pole (extremely useful, since Google maps doesn’t help here). I suppose they sell printers, right?
Title: why aren’t they stopping?Sent by ACCOUNT BANNEDGet ready. Because a major scandal has broken. It has to do with what we believe to be a conspiracy between the U.S. government and some of the biggest food producers in America. This topic of this story is so controversial, Fox News banned a story on it from being aired… and fired the two reporters who covered it.I always open an email from an account banned. Who doesn’t? But with this one, I regret it. I am afraid that my life is now in danger, because I am a witness of a major conspiracy involving the US government. This might be my last post ever, since FBI must be on their way as we speak… It was nice writing for you. 🙁
Title: Improve your sexual performance instantlySent by VydoxI did not even click on this one. I was afraid of any inappropriate materials. But then I got suspicious. Is this about my Ex again? Is it about my vision again? Is it about the married dating again? Is it about a wish to Santa again? Or is it the conspiracy again? I vote for the latter one. A possible explanation why I am single. It is a conspiracy.
Title: i’m so sick of thisSent by KaitlinChange the look of your home with new windows! Find Top professional Window Installers near you. Get the Perfect Windows for your Home right here.I actually walked to my windows when I received this. First I tried to understand where Kaitlin lives, that I have offended her so much with the look of my windows. Then I started looking at them to understand what was so wrong with them to make the poor girl so sick of this. Apparently she has high standards and has used the amazing vision email from above, since there are no other buildings in front of mine…
Title: ALERT: A sex-offender recently moved into your neighborhood. Please Read #923975953Sent by COMMUNITY SAFETY UPDATESYou’ve received this email today to notify you that a sex-offender has moved within 0.7 miles of your home. When a registered-sex offender relocates into a new-community this information becomes publically available.Although their english is a bit random (it is publicly and NOT publically), I can understand because they were upset and in a rush to inform me. This is no nice of them to let me know and also be that accurate. So now when I get home, anybody within 0.7 miles of my building is a suspect and I pay a lot of attention. I freely talk to strangers though as of 0.8 miles and beyond…
Title: Amazon Survey WinnerSent by Amazon Voucher Code on 1/1/1970Waiting for you is an Amazon Gift Card worth…. well, you’ll see! Complete the Amazon Survey today!…I did not take the survey. It is not that I am not a good person and that I do not want to help. I was just ashamed to respond some 44 years later. I just do not deserve the voucher for being so late. Poor Amazon has been running surveys online since January 1st 1970. Way before it was established. Way before internet was created. Way before I was born. Still thinking of what excuse I could use for being so late…